The word's Military Mom never wants to hear, how I am coping and spending my time

It's been along time since have been in here. I won't even try to catch you up on all that has happened.
But I will begin with what has gone on lately.
First off I took up a new hobby in Jan. Called scrapbooks. I began to do this because when my daughter and I found my mother's pictures she took over her life time, in storage, there were three huge and I mean huge boxes of pictures loosely stashed along with about three photo albums and not one word anywhere of who was who or when or where or nothing. And of course no one left to tell us one shred of information about any of it. That is all it took for me to begin to scrapbook my own pictures I have taken over the years. What surprised me about it was that just in the short time that I have been on this earth and taken my own pictures of my own family I have found it hard to remember what Christmas was that taken what year and sometimes even where. So I have taken time to work backwards with them all from the ones recently taken to other years for pictures that I do have. Organizing when I have time writing notes and the like so when I finally do get to those it wont be a problem to scrapbook them.
Of course now its summer time here again too.
My son came home on leave again and it was very emotional for all of us seems he comes home about once a year now with this war going on. The times in between for all of us are long and tough emotionally to get through. But we make it.
This time when he left I cried the day we were going to the airport with him I couldn't seem to keep me in control and the tears just came off and on that day. It was hard on him to see me like that because I remember his sis saying he asked if I was going to be ok. I cried off and on for a week after he left.
He as being reassigned to another base in the USA. So contact with him was going to be far and few before we heard from him again even though we would know where he was going to we knew we had a long wait before we got another call saying I am there and ok.
The sun was shining here and it was nice and hot outside, but I was indoors crying my heart out. And I couldn't figure out how come. But you can only cry for so long before you have to say enough is enough. So I did .
I began to get out more hiking beaches and roads and going places and seeing what its like again here with out snow and harsh weather. I was doing ok and pulling out of it. Taking pictures like mad as I went. And enjoying it.
Taking pictures is something I do a lot of with him in the navy and have done that now for the last 4 years. Taking pictures like I do is something I haven't done in all my life. And I do mean taking pictures sometimes 64 pictures of one event and sometimes even over 100 of other events.
Now that I am scrapbooking them it's worth the effort to have taken them. This way when he does come home for good eventually in two years he will not have missed out on a thing. And eventually when he is ready he can sit and go over what his family here did when he was gone. Of course I print off the best of them each time I get the change and send those along to him and write about what was going on. :) recently my grand daughter said grandma do you have to take a pictures of everything we all do? And I said yes I do. We have to have something to send your uncle when we write to him and besides someday your going to be glad I took all these pictures. :) so she stopped telling me that and now she just goes about doing what ever and is back to not paying attention to me with my digital camera. :)
June 6th and it was my sons second call home this time he asked if I was sitting down. Of course I was. And then he said he has something to tell me but wasn't sure how to do so. He stammered and so I told him in a rough tone. Spit it out I am sure I already know what it is. And then it came that one thing they have to tell you no mother wants to hear and wishes she never did. " I got my orders to go to Iraq."
This mothers heart knew this was coming before he left home for some reason. And there it was. Stunned and shocked rocking from this news I knew was coming. I handed the phone to his dad. Managing to show him no tears on the phone I had contained myself until I was away out of ear shot. And then I broke down big time. Its not the first time nor will it be the last time for sure until he is out of the navy. I have cried so much in the past 4 years off and on its not even funny. Worried over him when 9-11 hit, was scared when he said he was going over seas to Japan. I lived with the Yeats, the ..it could come anytime for 3 years. And even though the worst of this war is over its still a war and now I too am among the mothers and family members hearing" I got my orders to go." and now I am dealing with another facet of this tour of duty. When he is finally out of the Navy I will have been through alot of it , hopefully I wont have to go through some of the things I know others have gone through. The flag instead of a son or daughter or husband or wife. Or someone injured physically or emotionally so badly that life will never be the same. Or the hostage that you never know if you will see them again or not. So far as a military mom I have lived with the possibilities and the Yeats. And its not easy at all by a long shoot but live I do. Determined not to let this get me down to a point I can't get back up . Facing fears on a daily basis that no one can understand but another military family member. Or a vet from another war. The only people that I know of that keep me from thinking for one moment that I am walking through this totally alone are not just my family members who I watch fall apart now and then and help pull back together as well as them me But other Military Moms, wives, Husbands or Brothers and Sisters as well as the rest of their families. Those are truly the ones that keep me sane through this. Along with my endless need for phone cards to call my daughter that lives in another state because she doesn't work and is there for me to talk to at great lengths when I need too.
I try hard not to dwell on what is going on and not to talk about the fears I have or have to face daily sometimes or weekly . I try hard to keep seeing the good in all around me. But sometimes I find it near impossible to do so. And I Loose it big time when that happens. Do I sand bag it all? yes I do and then once in awhile it catches up with me when I don't want it too and I cry until its all cried out and then I go on. My smile sometimes is so dang wrinkled from it being in my back pocket that I am not sure if a good airing out is going to make it right again. But I ware it anyway when I can. I thr'ow myself into projects and things around me as much as I can to keep as busy as I can. So this mothers mind wont have time to think about anything bad. And I avoid the news as much as possible . It's not that I don't care. Its because I care way to much. And I personally can't stand to see to much more.
anger over this war and how long its taking? Your dang rights. But anger never got me to far in life. So I do my best to avoid this one as much as possible because I found this one leads to other places emotionally that I don't want to even get involved in. I cant solve this war. Nor can I stop it. I support my troops totally. Doesn't mean I as a mother have to agree with this war or like it one bit. My job as a Military Mom is to support my son and then his family members and then myself and others in the same boat. I do this best by just flat enjoying this day given to me one min at a time sometimes or one hour at a time but enjoy it as best I can to the fullest I can. This is my only true gift I can give him. And then in doing so I have more positive things to write to him about when I do write. Or more wonderful pictures to send him because I took the time this day to enjoy this day for what it is and took time to take pictures that were wonderful and happy and ones I truly want to share with him and others.
so I go hiking and out to picnics and off to see places and off to fish. pot lucks and parties with family for events that are going on such as birthdays and graduations and the like. Keeping in mind these moments are things I can share with my son when I can.
so with that I will get back to what I do best sharing each day as it comes and trying to find the humor in it all.
catch you again when I can until then stay safe and hey my hugs and love to you all no matter where you are.
from Crissy in Alaska